Guns

On Saturday November 10th I went shooting at the Wexford State Game lands. I had the opportunity to make some observations that I'd like to share.

First, let me begin by saying; I like guns. I think everyone should have one, I own three. I believe every woman without a criminal record should be armed three weeks out of the month... you can guess which week they should be required by law to lock their firearm in a secure location.

I think guns are an important tool that our culture takes for granted on many levels. There was once an era when, if you did not own a gun, you were in the vast minority. While times have changed I think most people who think practically realize that it is far better to have a gun and not need it than to need one and not have it.

Shooting is one of the few things that is almost as good as sex. The adrenaline rush you get by holding a loaded gun, aiming it, and pulling the trigger is impossible to describe to anyone who has never fired a gun. Next time I go shooting I'm going to take a woman with me, get her all hot and bothered, and take advantage of that immediately after we're done shooting. There are, however, degrees of "sex" that I became keenly aware of while firing different weapons.

.22: masturbation

Firing a .22 is great because you can pull the trigger many times and the bullets that come out are very cheap. The .22 that I own is a target shooting weapon and it is BALLS ON accurate. I can pound nails in with that gun but... since I'm an ok shot, not awesome by any means, the nail would have many holes around it and, since it's a .22 it would take a lot of bullets to get the nail to go into the wood.

Firing a .22 is fun, much like masturbation. It gets you going, ready to rock but there are much more fun things out there.

9mm: head

Now we're talking! Firing a 9mm is fun. The bullets aren't that expensive, you feel the kick of the gun and you can actually see the hole you put in the target from 20 yards out. My 9mm has a hair trigger which I forgot about and, when I settled into position, aimed, and began to squeeze I didn't quite expect the gun to go off as quickly as it did... Maybe this sex analogy was a bad idea... I'll get you a towel.

After firing the gun I immediately remembered why I bought it. It is FUCKING FUN to shoot and it is also balls on accurate. It's like getting head. It's spectacular in every way, shape, and form.

40mm and most everything else: sex

Yeah baby, talk dirty to me! When you fire a gun with a decent size bullet you get the true experience of what it means to shoot a gun. It is fun in a way you can't imagine unless you've done it. My 40mm however, is junk and I immediately remembered why I bought my 9 and .22 when I went to my 40. The goddamn thing jams all the time and is as accurate as John Kerry's position on Iraq. Its fun to shoot but your target better be as big as a house.

But it's still sex! Really really fun. While firing MY particular gun is like sloppy lazy sex with a slightly mentally handicapped chick... its still sex.

Smith & Wesson model 500: threesome

I had my first chance to fire this monster weapon on Saturday. This handgun is the size of my forearm and nearly as heavy as a sledgehammer. This guy next to us brought out this incredibly expensive weapon ($1000 + depending on accessories) and, after popping off a few shots offered to let us fire it.

I NEVER turn down a chance to do something awesome so I picked up this massive hand cannon, pulled the hammer back, leveled into position, and pulled the trigger. I'm not Schwarzenegger by any means but I'm decently strong... this thing went off and I almost dropped the thing... but that may have been because I was resisting the urge to have an orgasm in my pants. Firing this weapon was like nailing two chicks at the same time!

To be fair, this guy was a little "off". He claimed he carried TWO for protection because he lived downtown. Now downtown Pittsburgh is one of the safest downtowns in the entire nation and... if you WERE to be mugged you certainly would not need ONE of these weapons let alone TWO! While whoever you shot would most certainly be dead instantly, so would the five people and two cars behind him.

This weapon was designed to kill big game (Fucking elephants man!), not people.

AR 15: orgy

After we got done with the pistols we walked down to the rifle range to fire my buddies AR 15 which is basically one of the most kick-ass rifles you can own. The range was 100 yards and the rifle was sickeningly accurate. If my .22 could pound nails, you could sew with the AR 15!

Firing this rifle was unlike anything I can describe. It gave me a brief glimpse into the genetic makeup of a human being and how we function on a deep psychological level. Firing this weapon was like having a huge orgy... not that I've ever participated in an orgy... but I can fanatsize can't I?... I don't' have to fantasize, I'll just borrow my buddies AR 15!

That was my Saturday gun experience in a nut shell. I'm sure, in time, I'll write a blog about the political and cultural issues around guns. But for the moment, firing a gun is incredibly fun. Go shoot before it gets too cold, make sure to bring a woman; you'll be guaranteed to heat things up shortly after the experience.

Tagged with: .22, 9mm, ar 15, calabur, firing range, fun, guns, sex, wexford