Too Much Bad Advice

I’ve noticed a glut of terrible dating and relationship advice from so-called experts lately. Today MSN released an article on do’s and don’ts of a first date. I only read the article because MSN is my home page on my IE browser and it kept coming up every time I had to deal with the god damn Japanese website I was working on today at work. I needed a break and decided to read the thing.

The following is a list of advice that MSN gives it’s readers on first dates. I have to say, the bulk of the advice is crap. They claim it’s polled data from numerous sources... anyone who’s ever spent any time in the dating world should know; MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE DATING WORLD ARE RETARDED! Their opinions don’t count.

 

1. Your romantic past: The article said not to talk about your ex because if you say they were great than it indicates you’re not over them. If you say they suck than it also indicates you’re not over them. If you say they gave great head than that... actually... it’s probably a good idea you leave that bit out.

I believe that this is terrible advice. What MSN is essentially saying is that you should hide your true thoughts and feelings in order to make a good impression. The conversation will go wherever it goes. It should be a natural flow, not a pre-determined journey. If you’re out with someone who is turned off by the fact that the person you are is, in part, shaped by the people you’ve been involved with, than that person doesn’t understand how powerful a relationship is. If you can’t handle someone mentioning their ex than you should seriously evaluate how important the people in your romantic past were to you. Besides, stories about psycho-exes and bad dates are hilarious! Everyone likes to hear about everyone else’s romantic misfortune and aspires to be part of that misfortune!

What the hell are single parents supposed to do? A big part of their life is their kids and, probably, the person they are now divorced to who sees the kids regularly. What are they supposed to talk about? The weather? "Mr Not Supposed to Talk About Him has the kids till 11:00."

If you’re not over an ex, or find that you’re out with someone who isn’t over an ex, who cares? Who the fuck cares? It’s a date, it isn’t a wedding ring!

 

2. Talking about kids:

The article says you shouldn’t talk about wanting kids because it creates too much pressure for whoever you’re on a date with.

Again, terrible advice. What the article is saying is; you should hide the fact that you want kids despite the fact that it’s one of your aspirations. A conversation goes wherever it goes. If kids come up there is NOTHING wrong with saying; “I’d like to be a mom/dad someday” or “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to be a mom/dad” or “I punch babies.” That last bit should probably stay in the closet until you have a chance to actually punch a baby. He/she will find it hilarious when you do!

 

This does two things. It immediately, unequivocally determines your compatibility in long term potential. You know straight away if this guy/gal has some long-term potential or is only gonna be a roll or two in the sack. It also immediately filters and guy/gal who is too much of a baby to know if they aspire to have children. Adults know if their life goal is to be a parent. Children don’t. You don’t want to date a child do you? Well... some of you do... but there’s a special place reserved in hell for you.

Of course, if you’re a woman, don’t say; “damn my biological clock is thundering away! I need to start popin out babies!” that WILL scare a guy away. That’s an indication that you regard a relationship as a stepping stone to having kids... not something of intrinsic value of its own right. Kids are the product of a loving relationship.

 

3. Using pet names: The article says don’t start calling your date "pookie" or "hunny-bun" on the first date.

This I agree with. If some chick called me “pookie” I would tell her that that pet name is gay and I want a cooler pet name like "Jackhammer the Tongue Master" or "Tim."

To be fair, I don’t see any harm in saying something to a woman like; "This was a great date gorgeous. I hope to see you again soon." Or "Wow, you have some really pretty eyes sexy!" or something along those lines. I’ve done that plenty of times and it has NEVER broken a date.

I also see nothing wrong with a woman calling a man "hun" or "sweetie" on the first date. Any man who feels trapped by being called "hun" on the first date is brain damaged and isn't worth a woman's time anyways. Hell, maybe I’ll start calling the girls I date "hun" just to scare away the stupid ones.

 

4. Lusty story-telling: The article says not to talk about sexual experiences or sex on the first date.

Holy god that’s terrible advice and it was given by a PHD!

While I would agree that talking about past threesomes, bisexual tendencies, or whips and chains on the first date is a bit much, there is NOTHING wrong with talking about sex. We’re all adults here. If you’re uncomfortable about the topic of sex than you need to grow up. What’s more, if you don’t understand that one function of the dating world is to find someone who you want to and who wants to FUCK than you’re deceiving yourself.

Just a little hint for those of you who are in the dark on this: I’m a guy. I like to have sex with women. You’re a girl who likes to have sex with men. One of MANY things, but no small thing by any means, that we’re trying to determine on this date is if my penis can go into your vagina, maybe not today... maybe not tomorrow... but eventually. If so, AWSOME! If not, that’s cool... we’ll find someone else.

If you find the person you’re on a date with gets uncomfortable when a little hint is dropped about sex and doesn’t have the balls to say "I don’t think so babe, maybe next time... if you’re lucky..." or “we can head back to my place and we can see what happens..." than sex is too big a deal for them.

American culture in particular is so hung up about sex it’s ridiculous. It’s SEX! It’s not ARMAGEDDON! Jesus.

 

5. Talking about your pets: The article says not to talk about your pet. More specifically it says not to talk about your pet in a way that sounds overly psychotic.

This I can also agree with. If some chick starts talking to me about her big fat cat named "Meow Meow" and how roll-polly she is I start to think she’s a little wacked. Wait... my cat IS named "Meow-meow!"... but then I just tell my dates that my ex girlfriend who I used to call “Hunydumplinflufytits” came up with the name while I was having sex with her doggy style... I think that breaks 4 out of the 5 rules.

 

In truth. Who cares? You have a pet. You like your pet. Your pet is a part of your life. Talk away! Just don’t talk baby talk... that’s where I draw the line.

That’s about it for MSN's incredibly stupid rules of first dates. God, to think there are millions of adults out there who read that article and took it seriously!

Tagged with: advice, dating, first date, kids, men, MSN, sex, single, woemn